Walking out of grief
A silent and sacrificial giver finds a way to move on.
by: Kevin Tan and Tan Yu Jia
Madam Armi leans on her hand beside a windowsill as volunteers from Caretalyst help to clean and tidy her flat. As I chat with her, she shares her story with me with a cheerful smile.
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She has been staying in Rumbia for four years. Previously, she lived in Woodlands, but the building needed to undergo reconstruction.
At first, she applied for a flat in Ang Mo Kio, but eventually shifted to a more affordable housing district — Sengkang.
After living here for a while, she is quite happy with the surrounding area now. Her apartment is quite spacious, and she likes viewing the scenery of the park from her windows while enjoying the breezy wind, she says.
At the age of 49, she is a mother of 5 children — 2 daughters and 3 sons. She also has 2 grandchildren, whom she helps to take care of from time to time. Most of her children are working, and her youngest son is pursuing a course in Engineering in the Institute of Technical Education (ITE) this year.
Interestingly, Madam Armi lives in the same block as one of her daughters, who is married. On a typical day, she would go to her daughter's house and play with her grandchildren, bring them to the supermarket or to the playground under their block.
It is not all smooth-sailing for Madam Armi. The major problems for her are always financial issues, as expenses for the household keep increasing. Even though she enjoys cooking, she usually goes to her daughter house to cook as her kitchen appliances are in a very bad condition.
Luckily, she does find the MP for help whenever she faces any problem. She hopes that her GRC would pay her more frequent visits to better understand her condition and follow up if there any issues.
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Looking back on her whole life, Madam Armi says that 'finding herself a good husband' was the best moment of all. Other memorable times are her milestones in life: giving birth to her first kid, bringing her children to school, her daughter getting married and giving birth to her grandchildren.
I did not intend to ask her about her sad moments, as I did not want to bring back unhappy memories for her. But I had a slip of the tongue; nevertheless, she answered me, and I could feel the sadness in her tone. The worst moment in her life, Madam Armi said, was seeing her husband pass away.
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After his passing, she started working as a child care teacher. But she chose to resign after three years to take care of her grandchildren. When her grandchildren started growing up, she found that she needed additional income to sustain the family. Madam Armi then found a job as a condominium cleaner, where she works from Monday to Sunday without any rest days. She chose to work every day, as the salary after CPF deduction is quite low.
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But after feeling extremely exhausted after working for those long hours, Madam Armi is quite lonely at home. Her sons are staying at her daughter's house, and they do not really talk much to her after she comes back home from work.
Around the flat, stacks of household items like vases, silverware and old CDs crowd the space haphazardly. A pile of unfolded clothes as tall as Madam Armi lie untouched on the sofa.
Her sons also do not help her do any house chores while she is working, she says, and as a result, she stopped maintaining her household and decided to just carry on with life in this living condition.
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Untouched laundry lie scattered around the flat.
Volunteers begin to lend a helping hand to spruce up the house.
During Project Refresh, volunteers from Caretalyst helped her to reorganise her space and pack the clothes neatly. We also painted her room and cleared the old stuff that she did not want anymore. As we spruce up her house, she joins in the clearing, actively suggesting that we throw some things away. It seems like a step forward for her to let go of the past.
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What does she want, after giving of her whole life for her family? She says that all she hopes for is to see her younger son to do well in his studies. Although ITE has bursaries that can help to pay her son's school fees and daily expenses, the amount is not sufficient. If her son could acquire skills and good grades in ITE, he can proceed to further his studies.
I encouraged Madam Armi not to be disheartened about her younger son. I told her that I am a living example. I myself came from nothing, went to school in ITE, and finally achieved something that I like in the end. I am a late bloomer, but with positive motivation and determination, everybody can succeed one day.
This article was written and compiled by one of our volunteer interviewers, Kevin. Even as he encouraged Madam Armi, he himself was touched by her story and thoughts. As Caretalyst, we believe that there is much more to learn from our beneficiaries' viewpoints, and will continue to discover and share these stories.